ABORTION – THE TESTIMONY OF A MOTHER
Frequently, I dream of my children, those ones that were never born. I dream of two pale little heads, I don’t see their faces. I don’t know if they were boys or girls. They stretch out their little hands to me and whisper, “mommy, why? Why did you kill us?” Then their bodies slowly disappear. All that’s left is their whisper, “why? Why?” I stretch my hands out to them; I want to touch them, to 
tell them something. This whisper is so alive, so profound.
Every time it takes me back to the hospital room, to the gynecological chair, where I see myself, with my teeth clenched and grasping tightly to the handles of the chair. I’m in extreme pain. The bottom of my stomach is in pain; everything inside hurts, but what’s more is the pain I feel in my heart. I want to scream, but something forces me to be silent. Biting my lips till they bleed, I hear the sound of the utensils. The doctor asks a question, “Why did you wait so long? Your pregnancy term is not that small”
“I thought I could hold it out,” I whispered.
“With your insufficient veins?!” she laughed. “Well, shall we start? You will have to endure pain,” she warned.
I felt something cold enter my body, something metallic. It began to scratch coarsely, scrape, hack, cut… Screams went numb at the lips… It hurts, hurts intensely, but even worse is the shame. Every time, when another piece falls down, a piece of what used to be my child, I want to howl and die from the powerlessness and from the shame.
fetus- 12 week
-“Relax your muscles” I hear the voice of the doctor, “it won’t be that painful. It’s your first time, I could tell that right from the start. Do you have kids?”
“Two. A son and a daughter. We wanted a third one” I whispered.
“Restore your health and then have more. We are almost done,” obviously wanting to cheer me up. “It’s strange”
“What?”
“Have you been to an ultrasound?”
“Yes”
“They didn’t tell you anything?”
“No, why?”
“In your family do you have twins?”
“Yes and what?” I asked, frozen by the possible answer.
“You have twins, well actually had”
The tears started pouring out on their own. I always wanted twins and now…
In about 5 minutes we were done. The nurse helped me down… I have never screamed so loudly before; she forgot to take away the trays. In it lay the bloody mess… the bloody mess that only a half hour ago lived within me; was a part of my body, a piece me. Now it’s only clots of blood, chunks of meat. I slowly slid down to the cold tile floor. I woke up in a hospital room. Next to me stood the doctor with a large piece of smelly wadding.
“You really scared us. Some people come to us ten times a year, but you faint on us”
“Forgive me” I said quietly.
“It’s fine. All these years, I’ve seen a lot. You will still have children”
“Not these ones”
“I should not have told you about the twins. Try to look at this plainly. Everyone does abortions, believe me. Alright, just lie here a little, relax, and then go home. Your family is in the waiting room. Don’t tell your husband about the twins.
“Ok”
Eight years passed since then. I have never had any more abortions, never had any more children. I had infertility before and now again. I had and continue to have this reoccurring dream and the whisper, “mommy, why? Why did you kill us?”
I had and still have the question, on which I don’t have an answer, “What if everything would have been fine? What if I would have not listened to the doctors?”
There is no answer. And there never will be…
