REVIVED STORIES. SAMSON

Lately, I’ve constantly been coming across the same passage, which hasn’t given me any peace. It faithfully. has been reminding me of itself everyday, as if whispering that there is still much left that is not understood. The verse, in which Yeshua said: “if you want to follow Me, deny yourself, learn to tell yourself no”. These words always grabbed my attention. And not only that, they ripped into tiny pieces all of MY ideas, dreams and wishes. The words that destroyed, that, which is most important to me – MY PERSONAL LIFE. It didn’t compare at all to how I imagined it. I never said no to myself and never learned to do this. It was always necessary for me to get what I want and to put all of my efforts into reaching my goal, even if I needed to act not according to my conscience. I am not one of the weak, I never gave up. 

This is how I thought earlier, but not today. Today is not the day to stubbornly stand for myself. Being trapped in the dead end, I have no idea what will happen to me later. I don’t know if it’s raining or if the bright sun is shining, but this is a special day. And it feels like, today is my last day. And it’s so frightening… to die. Tears are going down my face, and my heart is tearing from pain, sorrow and disappointment. How did this happen? I will probably never understand it to the end. But one thing is certain – You might think, Lord, that I am just trying to somehow smooth out my guilt, but I don’t expect anything else anymore. Forgive me, that I realized everything, only at the very end. It might be hard for You to believe this, but I am tired of MY LIFE. If I had one more chance, I would spend every moment finding out what it means to die to myself, and live for You. How sad, that I never even found out what it means to live for You. Probably – that’s what true happiness and peace beyond any boundaries means.

My eyes have been gouged out. I can‘t see anymore. Only utter darkness, and it’s so frightening to submit to this. My ego, my rebellion against You, submitting to pride, which has no fulfillment, has overshadowed everything. That, which witnessed about my spiritual blindness, has burst into my existance and became a sad part of my physical life. I am not showing false modesty, but, what happened to me, is what I deserved. A rapid whirlpool of thoughts fills me, forcing me to suffer an infinite number of reproofs. I stopped seeing, this strong feeling, that my eyes suddenly opened, and through real darkness, I finally see His light, which I rejected until now. They have locked me in prison, cold, with overweight shackles wraping my arms and legs. I am a slave to my whims and a servant to my impurities. Although, before, they seemed so sweet and pleasant, but now only one thing shakes me from within, their true faces. All this time I was serving them. Like a yard dog, eating the leftovers, they gave me temporary and false pleasure, after which I ran all my life.

The time has come, my thoughts are being interrupted by the sound of noisy keys, opening up the prison. They ruthlessly lift me to my feet and lead me, into the unknown. They lead me outside, this I understand from the approaching city noise. People outside spit at me, throw something disgusting at me, laughing at me. It sounds like the Philistines are arranging a festival, and I am the main entertainment.  There is only one thing I know, the prison where I was kept was not too far from the temple of Dagon. It sounds like they brought me there. I hear crowds of people, shouting: “isn’t this the hero and savior of the nation Israel?! But now, praise be to Dagon, he is defeated and doesn’t have the power he had earlier.”

This is so painful. I can’t take this humiliation and shame. There was a time when I was strong and famous. There were legends written about me, songs were written about me. There was a time when I lived in the manner I wanted and chose whatever I wanted. I was my own god, lord and judge. “It is normal, to be like everyone else” – a seductive thought, which was always on hand when I needed to prove loyalty to my actions, thoughts and words. But it turns out, God holds this deadly poison in his hand and ruthlessly shatters my false hope that, in spite of how I live, I will surely be with Him in His kingdom. Following the Lord – it turns out is, in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred, TO STOP BEING LIKE EVERYONE ELSE and to be prepared to stand alone, misunderstood, and rejected… by all: relatives, friends, your own people. Oh, why am I only realizing this now, when it is too late.

I am brought up for all to see, in front of thousands of Philistines, who are gathered for a sacrifice in the temple of Dagon. I shudder at what is happening, standing in chains, not moving from my spot. And my appearance only empathizes my pitiful state. I must accept this and admit, that everything is, in fact, a reflection of my life: a great temple, which I built myself, in honor of a pagan god, in honor of myself. And people there, are like sin, filling the “temple” to its capacity. All my life I worshipped not God, but numerous idols. Oh God, I WORSHIPPED MYSELF!!! I raised myself up to the throne and invited thousands of abominations and whims, opposing You. And now they have locked me in chains and are mocking me, laughing at me from all directions, pointing their fingers at me. Crowds of people, unable to count them all, just like the number of my sins before God. They came today to remind me of themselves, they came to thank me for accepting them and nurturing them all the time. They have repaid me with imprisonment, utter blindness and separation from Him. Today, they decide my fate.

What do I do?! Is this really the end?! Aren’t You going to help me? How should I be?! Perhaps, maybe in this horrible and hopeless situation it is still possible to change something?!

Suddenly, my whole life is flashing before my eyes, like a colorful series of endless changing images, one after another. My imagination was watching instead of me, through gouged out eyes. My childhood, family, mother and father, dear brothers, my hometown, Aora. I remember how I would come into these families for Delilah, I remember these perfect buildings and great temples. You gave me great power that You gave me from birth, so that I would fulfill Your will, serving and protecting my people, that were oppressed by the Philistines. But with this, there was a condition – to consistently obey You and with dedication, carry out Your mission. Though I began my path correctly, I didn’t notice, how low I fell. Like wind picks up leaves and takes them far away, so am I, wrapped in the wind of my ambition.  I distanced myself  from You. My life at some point stopped belonging to You and everything turned upside-down.

I will still die soon. How much longer will they keep me like this? Now I know, You are whispering to me from within this storm, not an easy decision. For the last time, I will be obedient to You. You know better then me. This revelation came from You – IN ORDER FOR MY ENEMIES TO DIE, I MUST DIE WITH THEM.  I’m scared but this is the only way to defeat them, to defeat my sins. Yeshua, remember, You said: “in order to receive life, you must lose it…” Probably, this is my chance to do this. Oh, how much I still want to live… I don’t want to die…

I asked the guards to lead me to the pillars, which hold that temple. When I felt them, at breakneck speed thoughts were spinning in my head, and my heart was gaining momentum, ready to jump out from within me in any second. These pillars… they are so strong, so powerful, just like my persistent resistance to reject myself, just like my kingdom that I built for myself and called myself the king… Oh God, only now, give me strength to do this; that, which was supposed to be done a long time ago, and by no one but me: CRUSH EVERYTHING WHAT KEEPS MY LIFE SEPARATED FROM THE CREATOR… Destroy to the foundation everything that is not pleasing to You, break all ties with this world that is boldly walking on the path to death. But I always was against this, wanted to live my own life, continuing trying to find justification before God and searching for false consolations for my conscience.

Will I have strength now? I am crying. For, I know which fate awaits me there, when I stand before You, oh great God! I am approaching this meeting completely unprepared! Everything happened so quickly. An invisible trap, that was set for me, was slammed shut. And now no one will save me from defeat. I am afraid to die, but I will not stop hoping… goodbye my temple, goodbye my enemies, we will never see each other again… hear me God, and at least for now, give me strength…

^“Shimshon got a good hold on the two middle columns supporting the building and leaned on them, on one with his right hand and on the other with his left.  Then, crying, “Let me die with the P’lishtim!” he pushed with all his might; and the building collapsed on the chiefs and on all the people inside. So he killed more at his death than he had killed during his life. His brothers and all his father’s family came down, took him, brought him up and buried him between Tzor‘ah and Eshta’ol, in the tomb of his father Manoach.” Judges 16:29-31 (CJB)

“But as for me, Heaven forbid that I should boast about anything except the execution-stake of our Lord Yeshua the Messiah! Through him, as far as I am concerned, the world has been put to death on the stake; and through him, as far as the world is concerned, I have been put to death on the stake.” Galatians 6:14 (CJB)

^“For whoever tries to save his own life will destroy it, but whoever destroys his life on my account will save it.” Luke 9:24 (CJB)

Ariel Falkovich